It appears that lately as a newly single woman, I’ve come to ask myself whether to chase or not to chase-a question that has eluded even the most independent, successful women I know. We were told growing up that we can do anything: have big careers, bigger paychecks and drive BMers–just like the guys do. Nonetheless, we’re told to abide by the one scared rule: “let the guy chase you.†According to my mother, it is inappropriate for a woman to ask a man out on a date. She tells me in Spanish that, “Un hombre quiere seguir la mujer, no quiere ser seguido.†(Translation: The man wants to chase a woman, not be chased.) Ok, I get it. A man would rather play cat and mouse than invest their time finding true love. Brilliant strategy, guys.
I’m wondering why women are not appreciated for being straightforward or for asking someone to join us for coffee or drinks at the newest Detroit hotspot. I am daring, bold and courageous and wish to get what I want in life. I do this with things such as career, so what stops me from doing this with love?
My single male friends insist that asking a man out is forbidden. Men, they say, like for the “ball to be in their court†or to “close the deal.†Analogies aside, why can’t a woman ask a man out on a date? Why is this so taboo? Movies like He’s Just Not That Into To You back up what my guy friends tell me, which is that men do not want to be asked out. They want to be in control. After all, men were the hunters, while women were the gatherers. I continue to ask myself, “What does that really mean?”
Take my situation for example. I am pretty attracted to my physical therapist. He’s cute, smart and we have great chemistry. Every time after our session ends, he asks about my plans for the night. Once already, I’ve asked him to join my friend and I for a bite to eat. He thought it over, but ultimately turned me down. Now, I’d like to think that he is too ethical (which is not altogether a bad thing) to go out with me. After all, aren’t there regulations that govern doctor-patient relationships? Certainly physical therapists must follow something similar. Lastly, I am increasingly perplexed by his mixed signals. If he’s not attracted to me, then why does he have such an interest in my personal life? Why the great chemistry?
My female friends have come up with a ton of reasons why he turned down my invitation. “He’s intimated by you,†said my friend Lizette-the kind of friend who always says that I’m fabulous no matter the circumstances. My friend Angie (the realist) suggested that he might be gay. Now, I’m not sure how I feel about this explanation. I’d rather have him be straight and not be into me than have him be gay. Disclaimer: There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but let’s face it. The gay community has their share of fine men. Can’t we be allowed to have a piece of tasty man candy? The person that made the most sense was what my optimistic, eternally romantic friend, Katy, told me. Maybe what he wanted was to have dinner with me alone. The last reason is to me the most improbable scenario though it sure does make me feel better.
It’s been more than a week since I’ve seen my physical therapist. I’ve been too busy being fabulous to drop in for my regular session. According to some of my confidants, this is a good thing. He will soon realize that I’m interesting and popular, and he’ll want to get on that money train fast. Who knows? We’ll see what happens next.
Author: EJ Leon
Well there are two possibilities. I, myself, am a physical therapy student. It’s extremely possible that he could be abiding by a code of ethics. While it isn’t law, as I understand it, it is “frowned” upon to become socially involved with a patient. It’s possible that as your therapist, his job could be in jeopardy if he were to be exposed to be dating a patient. On the other hand, by nature, a patient/therapist relationship is a very intimate one. Think about it, you are allowing him to lay his hands on you. That requires a remendous amount of trust and intimacy under these or any other circumstances. We’ve been told in school that there are going to be patients that confuse this relationship as something more. Asking about your plans for the night could just be part of the rapport. I’m younger (25) and I’ve had a couple younger girls that I’m sure had a crush on me. We pretty much ask most patients what they’re plans are for the day/night. It’s up to you to chose which of the scenarios apply. Sometimes you just have to take a chance and hope he’s just an ethical guy.
I have to chime in with the fact that I have a massage therapist who doesn’t ask me what my evening’s plans are. He asks how I’m feeling and if there is anything specific that I want to work on.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask about life plans, even short term, in this situation. Knowing that the relationship is intimate and asking somewhat intimate questions unrelated to the therapy seems misleading. Unless he really does want a date? The question is, how can one find out without jeopardizing the current relationship?
It’s completely appropriate to ask questions like that. It’s not exactly an invasive question. Every clinical instructor that I’ve ever had a rotation with has always made small talk about how the patient’s day is going, how the family is, what they have planned for the rest of the day, what do they do for fun etc. It’s building rapport with the patient and sometimes takes the patient’s mind off pain. Sometimes you gain a little insight into what may be contributing to the patient’s condition that they didn’t even know was factoring in. With massage therapy the point is to have the patient relax so you might not want to converse as much. Comparing massage therapy to physical therapy is apples and oranges. Patients asking therapists for dates is actually a fairly common situation that PTs find themselves in, and they warn us about this in school. Just remember, there is a difference between not WANTING a date and not BEING ABLE to accept a date. Like I said before, an ethical PT will never date a person while they are still a patient.
Dear readers,
Thank you for your thoughts and insights. I have to agree with Maureen that it was a bit inappropriate for a professional to be so curious about his or her patient’s life.
More is to come in next week’s column, and you’ll see how much things got stranger, if that’s the right word to describe it.
Thank you,
EJ Leon
EJ,
Good luck.
As a young, modern, Mexican woman, I do not feel there is anything wrong with pursuing a man. A real man will appreciate your honesty and may actually feel flattered. Many of my male friends feel the pressure of always being the one in “hot seat”. They tell me that they’re sick of playing games. Why should the guy always have to ask the girl out? It’s silly. We’re independent, intelligent women. This is 2009! Girl….ask him out! After meeting you, I can tell you that he should feel extremely lucky to have such a woman interested in him. Hey, if things don’t work out, at least you tried.